Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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