We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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