I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
