If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
