Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize