I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
