I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
