There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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