I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Randomize
