Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
