I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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