My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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