Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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