i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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