so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
