I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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