going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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