Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she told me i tasted like america
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
