Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
i've created a new STD.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
