so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
