I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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