Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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