Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
