Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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