I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize