life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
