Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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