my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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