So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
FUCK WHALES
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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