Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
