matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
