My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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