My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
