Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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