hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
