if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I am naked and annoyed.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
