You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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