Your face is a jimmy john
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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