If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
