dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
