I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
