I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
