you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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