I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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