Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize