yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
