A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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