so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
