The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i already hear my dad disowning me
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
