So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
