I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize