i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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