Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
