Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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