im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
