Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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