that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
