I would go down on you faster than GM stock
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just forgot I was standing up.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
