I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize