I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I just had sex on a roof
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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