bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
