Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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