My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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