so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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