Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
