I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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