it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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