Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
