Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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