o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
