My liver just broke up with me...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
