I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
