He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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