i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
