you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
where are my pants?
in the oven.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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