White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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