Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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