Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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